Feature Length Spec

[GREATwarEAGLE]

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

On the blackboard, The TEACHER has written the class
assignment: HIROSHIMA - HAS JAPAN FORGIVEN AMERICA?
Tobey stares at FORGIVEN.

LATER

While Tobey is diligent taking notes, fellow BOY and GIRL
students flirt casually with each other behind him.

INT. TOBEY"S BEDROOM - DAY

Several books on HIROSHIMA are stacked on the drawer. Tobey
glares at them with contempt. Then, through his window, he
notices the MAILMAN dropping off the days mail.

INT. TOBEY'S KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Tobey filters out what's his, tosses the rest on the table.

19.

He holds a photograph of HIMSELF, YOUNGER, AS BEFORE, WITH
HIS ARMS AROUND TWO STUNNING YOUNG WOMEN WEARING NEXT
TO NOTHING.

The three of them look wasted, enjoying themselves, as this
photo was apparently taken during a party. Flipping the
photo, he sees that this is a makeshift postcard:

HEY SEXY,

HOW ARE YOU!? I HOPE YOU STILL LIVE AT THIS ADDRESS.
REMEMBER THIS NIGHT? IT WAS THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU.
I HAVE A NEW JOB. I LOVE IT!! I'M A REGIONAL
MANAGER FOR LINGERIE INC.! I'LL BE AT THE MALL
EVERYDAY FOR A WEEK STARTING NEXT MONDAY. COME
AND SAY HI!!

LOVE, SAMANTHA

Tobey is taken back. Numb. This is unpleasant.

TOBEY
(whispers to himself)
...god...

He sits at the table, looks at the photo again. Reaching for
the remaing mail to stack it neatly, he notices an envelope
addressed to his Mother. The return address reads: EDISON
MINI-STORAGE.

This disturbs him.

He opens it to find a bill for a locker. Monthly rent. In the name
of ERIKA CARPENTER..

EXT. TOBEY'S CAR - DAY

Entering the parking lot, EDISON MINI-STORAGE reflects across
the windshield.

INT. MINI-STORAGE - MOMENTS LATER

An EMPLOYEE unlocks the padlock for Tobey, then leaves. Tobey is
alone.

He opens the door. Inside is a drum set. Boxes. Stuff.

He steps in, unseen. Sounds of him moving everything
around. CLANK! BANG! Not playing, but destroying the drums. And
perhaps everything else. Little by little. Louder and
louder. BAM! SMASH!

20.

Then, the eniter drum set is launched out of the room. It SMASHES
against the wall, sending bits and pieces in the air.

INT. TOBEY'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

Tobey's Mother, Erika, looks worse than before. Withered, as she holds
the opened storage envelope. Tobey stands nearby, intense
breathing.

ERIKA
(to herself)
I told them. My post office box.

TOBEY
What'd you think? I wouldn't find
out?!

She just looks at him. Looks as though her dam's about to burst.

TOBEY
I don't even know what to say.
All this time... You gotta be
kidding me! What's the matter
with you!?!

Silence. He gives her a moment to respond - but nothing. He heads for
the front door.

INT. BOOKSTORE - NIGHT

"ANGER MANAGEMENT." "DEFEATING DEPRESSION."

These and similar titles and subjects fill the shelves of the
MENTAL HEALTH section as Darnel passes by. He stands at
PHYSICAL HEALTH, reading through a book on Leukemia. He then
heads to the register with it.

INT. KENT'S CAR - NIGHT

Kent starts the ignition. Behind him is the Televenture
building. He's about to back up when Baster appears. He
taps on the window. Kent rolls it down.

BASTER
(sniffle)
Good job today. Keep it up and
you'll be making five an hour in
no time.

KENT
Oh. thank you.

21.

BASTER
Yeah. Well, listen. I need you in
early tomorrow, OK. Six AM.

KENT
OK.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

TRACY EVANGELATOS, 23, sits on her bed, turns on the table
lamp. She reaches for a box of tissues on her bookshelf.
Next to the box is the book "ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS 12 STEPS."

Above the shelf a framed anti-alcohol ad hangs on the
wall.

She's about to shut the light off when she notices something on the
floor at the end of her bed. She reaches over and grabs a comforter
that is bunched up at someones feet. She pulls it over

TOBEY

sound asleep on the carpet floor. His "pillow" is a stuffed animal puppy
dog. She smiles, watching him sleep. Then turns the light out.

INT. KENT'S LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME

TV is on, low volume.

On the couch is Kimio, now 24 years old and 8 months pregnant. Her
swollen belly adds to her radiance as she sleeps under soft light. Kent
kneels down beside her.

She awakens.

In Japanese with subtitles:

KIMIO
...you're home...

KENT
(smiles)
How're we doing?

KIMIO
(smiles back)
...he's fine.

A kiss. He rubs her belly. She sees he has a DUNKIN DONUTS bag. She
rubs his belly.

KIMIO
Keep eating those and you'll
have the big tummy.

22.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - SAME TIME

Darnel enters quietly, closing the door behind him. It's
dark. He moves to the bed where his son, DEVIN, now 8, rests
peacefully.

DARNEL
(whispering)
Hey, Little D.

He gently squeezes his son's arm, looking him over. Darnel
then pulls the clumpy visitor chair aside and tries to
make a small bed of it. He sits, taking off his shoes, getting
comfortable.

After a moment, he settles, and takes out the Leukemia book. Just
then the door opens. Entering softly, a HEFTY NURSE carries a
cup of coffee.

She shuffles over to Darnel, handing him the cup.

DARNEL
Oh thanks. Thank you.

HEFTY NURSE
You gonna spend the night?

DARNEL
Yeah... take him home early.

HEFTY NURSE
Oh good. You know he was busy
today. I helped him fibish his
science project.

DARNEL
Really? That was very kind of you.

HEFTY NURSE
Oh it was nothing. He did most of
it. You should be proud. That's
a very bright young man you have
there.

INT. KENT'S LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME

Kent rests on Kimio. His eyes closed. She's watching the
news on TV.

In Japanese with subtitles:

KIMIO
Your father called today.

23.

KENT
Yeah?

KIMIO
He wants to come and visit. See
the baby. And he wants to know
what you've been doing?

KENT
He'll never understand.

KIMIO
Well you never talk to him.

KENT
He doesn't want to talk to me.
I left Japan. That was it for him.

Silence. Kimio turns the volume up a bit

ON THE TV.

NEWS ANCHOR
Twenty computer systems were
stolen from a delivery truck
yesterday. The driver had pulled
over at a rest stop...

KIMIO
Look. Your robbery....

Kent's eyes remain closed.

KENT
Kimio, that's the last thing I
feel like watching right now.
Turn it off.

CLICK. OFF.

KIMIO
How is work?

KENT
Fine. My boss likes me. In a few
months I'll get a raise...

He falls asleep on her.

[GREATwarEAGLE]

INT. TELEVENTURE - BASTER'S OFFICE - MORNING

A large manilla envelop labeled PAYROLL CHECKS sits on the
table. The sounds of metal tapping glass. TAP. TAP-TAP.

24.

Then people sniffing.

MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
You got my cabbage?

A hand grabs the envelop.

Baster takes a check out from it, hands it to LEGO,
26, big and bad. Makes Suge Knight look like Tinkerbell.

LEGO
Thank you kind sir.

BASTER
We gotta go to the the bank for the
rest.

INT. TELEVENTURE CALL CENTER - MOMENTS LATER

Baster and Lego exit the office, both sniffling and wiping
their noses.

Thry walk past the Representatives on the phones. One of
them is Tobey, messing with the cables behind his monitor.

BASTER
(to Tobey)
The h*ll are you doing?

TOBEY
I thought you said these were
brand new. Thing's a piece a sh*t.

LEGO
(laughs to Baster)
Yeah. What's a matter with you, B?
Using second-hand equipment? I
hope you didn't actually pay for this.

Baster and Lego continue. They pass Kent.

BASTER
(to Kent)
Hey, Fu-Manchu! Watch the fort
while I'm gone!

Kent just looks up, perplexed.

LEGO
He the new help?

25.

BASTER
(mimics Fog Horn
Leg Horn)
That boy, I say, that boy is about
as sharp as a bowlin' ball and
speaks pigeon English to boot.

LATER
Kent is mopping in the hall. He can see Tobey, beating the
machine, then gives up...

TOBEY
(to whoever)
I'm goin' on break.

INT. MEN'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Kent enters, finds Tobey standing against the wall, arms
folded. Just standing and breathing. He doesn't acknowledge
Kent.

Kent sweeps up. He finishes, observes Tobey.

KENT
Frustration. Bathroom is
excellent idea. Solitude.

Tobey concedes, looks up.

KENT
Are you familiar with concept of
enlightenment?

TOBEY
Yeah...

KENT
A man named Bodhidarma spent nine
years alone, meditating in a cave.
He reached enlightenment.

He turns on the faucet.

KENT
Let water run. Simulate gentle
river. Most soothing. I make you
deal. I leave you alone and I
won't return to clean bathroom for
nine years. By then, you reach
enlightenment.

26.

Kent smiles as he exits. He returns after a moment.

KENT
Almost forgot. Bodhidarma was in
a cave - in 520 A.D.

He flicks the light switch off, leaves. Tobey is left alone
in the dark, silhouetted by the windows behind him.

[Littlerich]

When shooting, Can I be Tobey?

I could do with that much action! [img]wink.gif[/img]

This seems very interesting so far... The jumping from scennarios and total lack of time-frame makes for very interesting reading, and I think will trasnslate into an interesting (and quite high budget) film!

Keep me posted on how you are doing with the script, as I for one would like to read more! (if you're publishing any more, that is...)

I <B>Like It!</B> [img]smile.gif[/img]

[GREATwarEAGLE]

I'm kinda reluctant to continue from this point. But I do appreciate all the comments that have been posted. Both negative and positive. And it's sometimes difficult to respond to all the comments. I feel that rather than justifying or defending the script - I should just let the script speak for itself.

For example, ThomasB asked, "Could you just tell us what this is all about?"
Rather than give a detailed synopsis, I wanted to let the story unfold. And therefore answer his question bit by bit, page by page. I'm horrible at giving a synopsis. I usually end up just telling people the whole story. I'd like to think that by now, the common theme between Tobey, Darnel and Kent is surfacing. Although I will admit I've yet to include everything that really makes it clear.

But I can explain Flicker's comment about Tobey, in the beginning, being with all those girls with different hair colors. The reason for that was to show how much he "gets around". But I wanted to establish this visually and as quickly as possible. So, instead of saying Tobey is with GIRL 1, then GIRL 2, then GIRL 3 or GIRL, then A DIFFERENT GIRL, then A NEW GIRL, ANOTHER NEW GIRL, I decided to distinguish them by hair color. It serves the purpose. We don't need to know exactly who they are, but we know each girl is different. I suppose there a many ways this could have been done - this is the one I chose.

Alot of questions are "what happens next? why this? why that?" These are the questions that every screenwriter should make the audience, or reader ask. When too much is revealed at the start, there's no reason to turn the page. Same thing with directing. Beginning scenes with a wide shot or an "establishing shot", then moving in closer just kills the film. Like a jigsaw puzzle. It is put together one piece at a time - the big picture is gradually revealed. You don't start with the puzzle in tact and then break it down - what's the point?

So, I don't know, maybe I'll continue with more. The next scene really changes things and opens up the story. But I'm not thrilled with the way I wrote it. The dialogue's tough. That's how I feel with the scene where Darnel talks to his girlfriends mom in prison, page 6. I really don't like the dialogue and I'm constantly re-writing. The only line in that whole conversation I like is "She packed up and got on a plane." I like to keep things brief but full of subtext, but that scene, for whatever frickin' reason, just ain't workin'. At least for me. And I don't like the fact that the people who have read this in it's entirety have experienced it in screenplay form only. It really needs to be a film. Littlerich asked when am I shooting and also recognized the need for a big budget. Yep. I haven't done any serious budget break-down, but it's gona be up there. Mostly due to the many locations. But I have absolutely no resources to shoot this any time soon. I'm sticking to simple, super-8 short films right now. Even those give me an ulcer.

I'm surprised more people don't post their scripts here. I guess fear of rejection? Harsh criticism? Feedback from strangers is the best kind. Never trust friends and family. And you can't please everyone. I don't know how things are sometimes taken so personal here. When people judge my work, I can usually tell where they're coming from. If they're truly trying to be constructive, or if they're just trying to lay into me, trying to belittle me to make themselves feel better. I see that alot on Hostboard. And in real life.

If the fear is that your script might get ripped-off. That rarely happens. Like I first posted, this script has been registered with the WGA east (in America) which is a painless process.

Even if your script isn't officially protected. It's just too big of a risk for someone to steal a script and actually produce it. It almost never happens. Legitimate filmmaking is a big enough risk as it is.

[GREATwarEAGLE]

blah blah blah...

[Micaso]

I'm a fan of the cutting back and forth to different, seemingly unconnected stories. It has me intruiged and I'd like to see more, even though you might not want to post it. The only thing I would say is that it needs to amalgamated soon because it I think it'll look jumpy on the screen as you shift from one place to another so quickly. Eventually everyone will be annoyed instead of a few.

Nice style, reads easily, decent flow. [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]

[GREATwarEAGLE]

So, as Alex posted in the Donnie Darko thread, that old threads can be resurrected, which I didn't realize, I thought I'd throw this back on the board.

[GREATwarEAGLE]

While I have been writing other stories, non are ready for posting yet. So I'll resurrect this one. It's been a while since I touched it. It needs work. I'll get around to it.

I felt it's only fair I post something of mine for the vultures.

[windowslaws]

it is a very intriguing tale, i challenge anyone to say any different (which means someone will!)

for some reason it reminded me of the chuck palahniuk novel invisible monsters.

and i just have to say i agree with your point gwe about the dialogue, the short lines were fine some nice stuff but the longer dialogue seemed forced and unnatural.

personally i don't mind lots of description in scripts, especially if you intend to film it yourself, because it makes for a more involving read.

[GREATwarEAGLE]

Thanks. Yeah some of the dialogue is contrived. I hate reading parts of it.

I avoid heavy scene description for a few reasons. It often slows down the pace and wont necessarily make it into the film, I think the juicy writing should be in the dialogue - cause that stays (unless you're an improv freak), how the story is told and unfolds, how the scenes are arranged and connected should grab the reader without superficial description. Unless of course its extremely vital.

I usually dont even use it to create mood either.

But thats just me.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 11, 2004 01:07 PM: Message edited by: GREATwarEAGLE ]</font>